I’ve been away.

I’ve been away.

I haven’t written this year.

Why? Do I have nothing to say? 

The answer: I was afraid. I was afraid to say the wrong thing, to give the wrong impressions, and to become vulnerable. 

The truth is, when I started this blog I wanted to help people. I wanted to show them they are not alone and I wanted to create a blog as a “safe space” to express things I’ve experienced for individuals to relate to themselves. I quickly became scared of becoming “too personal”. I didn’t want to use the terms “I” or “me” when writing in fear of becoming exposed and weak. I lost interest in writing and went into a slump. 

This year has taught me something new.

This year has taught me that vulnerability is strength.

This year has been the year of transparency. 

I have chosen to write about myself in hopes of inspiring others through my personal journey rather than through universally shared experiences. 

This year I learned the value of myself. 

This year I learned to love myself.

This is my journey:

Two years ago, I was a completely different person from the person I am today. I would have done anything to fit in with the people I surrounded myself with. I even went as far as to change my hair color to bleach blonde, wear a lot of pink (I hate pink), take out my nose piercing, and hide my tattoos to put an end to the ridicule I was facing. Not only was I changing my outward appearance to satisfy those around me, but I was slowly and unknowingly changing inwardly as well. I became less myself day after day. I became timid, I stopped expressing things I believed in, and I eventually no longer even knew what I believed in. I had no idea who I was and in truth, I hated myself. 

One year ago, I cut everyone and everything out of my life. I commuted to school from my dad’s house three hours every day in hopes of keeping my mind occupied on anything other than myself. If I wasn’t driving to and from school, I was lying in bed. Spring Break of 2018 I didn’t leave my bed for 6 days and didn’t eat for 4. I was miserable. I lost my sense of humor, my motivation, my friends, and even my family. I still didn’t know who I was anymore and I was desperate to find who I am, I was desperate to love myself. 

This past year began as a blank canvas for me. I wanted to fall in love with myself, and I did. I set out on a journey of self discovery to find myself, my style, and my passions. 

This past year has been filled with milestones—

I uncovered my passion for English, changed my major, and fell in love with writing. 

I stopped covering my tattoos (got even more), put that nose piercing back in, had every hair color in the book (currently rocking blue), and I no longer own anything pink. 

I started going to the gym every day.

I became a vegan. 

I don’t commute to school anymore and live happily alone. 

I discovered I’m honest and blunt, but one of the most compassionate people you will ever come across. 

I surrounded myself with the most incredible friends a girl could ask for. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, and done just about everything else in between.

I stopped worrying about what people are going to think of me, and if they don’t like that…they can kiss my ass.

I became myself. 

Am I still learning who I am? Yes, of course, I will always learn new things about who I am. I am simply here to bring you along on my journey, to become more personal and vulnerable, and to happily say that I am myself again.

~I am back~

To the chameleon.

 

Why does everyone seem exceptionally more extraordinary than me?

The question seemingly every young adult asks themselves if they don’t feel the sense of acceptance among peers.

Ideals, as well as social “norms” and trends, tend to differ between the different communities around the globe, but the concept of “fitting in” is never changing.    

Beginning in youth, children establish the awareness of forming bonds and friendships with communities of people they thrive in, but do these communities share the same ambitions? Are these friendships merely manufactured by those of us who believe the unmasking of our genuine dreams and aspirations will lead to ridicule and laughter?

A chameleon is considered a master of disguise within the animal kingdom, changing his color to duplicate his surroundings; he can become whoever is demanded within the urgency of the occasion.

We are chameleons.

We modify what we are revolving around the company in which we associate to avoid mockery, eventually resulting in the quiet disappearance of who we actually desire to be.

Never be ashamed of your ambition.

To the chameleon:

Never be ashamed of your ambition. Never fear the ridicule. Never fear the mockery. Never be apologetic of your true identity.

Dream big. Follow your ambition. Be you.

We are all chameleons in one-way or another, but why? Why do we feel it crucial to harmonize our ideals with the ideals of one another?

The idea of conforming to fit into a certain social situation to avoid disdain is a misfortune most, if not all, of us fall victim to.

Please, join me in the journey of self-acceptance, deferring from the judgment.

From one chameleon to another.

xoxo

Self discovery.

Does one truly ever know the entirety of their own thoughts, passions, & dreams, or do we all live in a state of uncertainty?

“The art of writing is the art of discovering what you believe.” Gustave Flaubert

Come with me as I discover my own passions & ambitions, while also helping you discover yours.

xoxo

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑