I’ve been away.

I’ve been away.

I haven’t written this year.

Why? Do I have nothing to say? 

The answer: I was afraid. I was afraid to say the wrong thing, to give the wrong impressions, and to become vulnerable. 

The truth is, when I started this blog I wanted to help people. I wanted to show them they are not alone and I wanted to create a blog as a “safe space” to express things I’ve experienced for individuals to relate to themselves. I quickly became scared of becoming “too personal”. I didn’t want to use the terms “I” or “me” when writing in fear of becoming exposed and weak. I lost interest in writing and went into a slump. 

This year has taught me something new.

This year has taught me that vulnerability is strength.

This year has been the year of transparency. 

I have chosen to write about myself in hopes of inspiring others through my personal journey rather than through universally shared experiences. 

This year I learned the value of myself. 

This year I learned to love myself.

This is my journey:

Two years ago, I was a completely different person from the person I am today. I would have done anything to fit in with the people I surrounded myself with. I even went as far as to change my hair color to bleach blonde, wear a lot of pink (I hate pink), take out my nose piercing, and hide my tattoos to put an end to the ridicule I was facing. Not only was I changing my outward appearance to satisfy those around me, but I was slowly and unknowingly changing inwardly as well. I became less myself day after day. I became timid, I stopped expressing things I believed in, and I eventually no longer even knew what I believed in. I had no idea who I was and in truth, I hated myself. 

One year ago, I cut everyone and everything out of my life. I commuted to school from my dad’s house three hours every day in hopes of keeping my mind occupied on anything other than myself. If I wasn’t driving to and from school, I was lying in bed. Spring Break of 2018 I didn’t leave my bed for 6 days and didn’t eat for 4. I was miserable. I lost my sense of humor, my motivation, my friends, and even my family. I still didn’t know who I was anymore and I was desperate to find who I am, I was desperate to love myself. 

This past year began as a blank canvas for me. I wanted to fall in love with myself, and I did. I set out on a journey of self discovery to find myself, my style, and my passions. 

This past year has been filled with milestones—

I uncovered my passion for English, changed my major, and fell in love with writing. 

I stopped covering my tattoos (got even more), put that nose piercing back in, had every hair color in the book (currently rocking blue), and I no longer own anything pink. 

I started going to the gym every day.

I became a vegan. 

I don’t commute to school anymore and live happily alone. 

I discovered I’m honest and blunt, but one of the most compassionate people you will ever come across. 

I surrounded myself with the most incredible friends a girl could ask for. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, and done just about everything else in between.

I stopped worrying about what people are going to think of me, and if they don’t like that…they can kiss my ass.

I became myself. 

Am I still learning who I am? Yes, of course, I will always learn new things about who I am. I am simply here to bring you along on my journey, to become more personal and vulnerable, and to happily say that I am myself again.

~I am back~

The lovely truth.

Has it just recently become a pattern for individuals to use dishonesty as a means to gain the respect & acceptance of others, or is this trend as old as time itself?
Did the families sailing on the Mayflower communicate with each other through deception in order to “fit in” amongst a crowd?
What about during the Civil War?
During the Roaring Twenties or the Great Depression?
Has “fitting in” been a constant struggle between humans forever?

The concept of “fitting in” & being “accepted” among groups and/or between individuals seems to be progressively becoming more of a challenge, while also simultaneously causing the undeniable detachment between the soul, the body, & the mind.
But why?
Why do people, made so unquestionably unique from one another, believe it to be a necessity to distort the reality of their personality enclosed within their mind & their soul to influence the opinion of those surrounding them?

The lovely truth? They don’t~plain & simple.

The truth is that throughout the years as trends have become “popular”, they have also simultaneously expired.
The truth is that your outfit probably won’t be considered “cute” in about a year.
The truth is that no one will exclude you for your taste in music.
The truth is that your tattoos don’t change the type of person you are.
The truth is that your unpopular opinion can be expressed.
The truth is that the clothes you wear don’t define who you are.
The truth is that where you live doesn’t define you.
The truth is that your past doesn’t define you.
The truth is lovely.

The truth is that recently it has become a struggle among communities to “fit in”, but humans were not made to fit in perfectly with one another.
People are becoming less & less prone to express themselves & their beliefs because of the fear of rejection.

This fear? It should not exist.

The fear of those closest to you rejecting you because of something so minuscule should not exist.
It has become so increasingly problematic to act, look, or dress slightly different from those surrounding us.
But why?
Why is this fear such an obstacle?

I entitled this post “the lovely truth”.
I did not entitle this post “the ugly truth”.
Because this truth is lovely.
This truth shows that the judgement you feel among others doesn’t matter.
This truth shows that you can feel free to express your opinions, dress how you want, have a crazy haircut.
This truth shows that as Christians, we should be building one another up, not taking away from someone who may seem different.

Do you want to know why they seem different? Because they are. No one is the same. God made everyone so uniquely intriguing & different no matter how hard you may look, you are never going to find someone who seems to “fit in”.

The lovely truth is that no one actually “fits in”.
The lovely truth is also that because no one “fits in”, everyone is in the same boat, on the same page, experiencing the same thing as you.


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