I’ve been away.

I’ve been away.

I haven’t written this year.

Why? Do I have nothing to say? 

The answer: I was afraid. I was afraid to say the wrong thing, to give the wrong impressions, and to become vulnerable. 

The truth is, when I started this blog I wanted to help people. I wanted to show them they are not alone and I wanted to create a blog as a “safe space” to express things I’ve experienced for individuals to relate to themselves. I quickly became scared of becoming “too personal”. I didn’t want to use the terms “I” or “me” when writing in fear of becoming exposed and weak. I lost interest in writing and went into a slump. 

This year has taught me something new.

This year has taught me that vulnerability is strength.

This year has been the year of transparency. 

I have chosen to write about myself in hopes of inspiring others through my personal journey rather than through universally shared experiences. 

This year I learned the value of myself. 

This year I learned to love myself.

This is my journey:

Two years ago, I was a completely different person from the person I am today. I would have done anything to fit in with the people I surrounded myself with. I even went as far as to change my hair color to bleach blonde, wear a lot of pink (I hate pink), take out my nose piercing, and hide my tattoos to put an end to the ridicule I was facing. Not only was I changing my outward appearance to satisfy those around me, but I was slowly and unknowingly changing inwardly as well. I became less myself day after day. I became timid, I stopped expressing things I believed in, and I eventually no longer even knew what I believed in. I had no idea who I was and in truth, I hated myself. 

One year ago, I cut everyone and everything out of my life. I commuted to school from my dad’s house three hours every day in hopes of keeping my mind occupied on anything other than myself. If I wasn’t driving to and from school, I was lying in bed. Spring Break of 2018 I didn’t leave my bed for 6 days and didn’t eat for 4. I was miserable. I lost my sense of humor, my motivation, my friends, and even my family. I still didn’t know who I was anymore and I was desperate to find who I am, I was desperate to love myself. 

This past year began as a blank canvas for me. I wanted to fall in love with myself, and I did. I set out on a journey of self discovery to find myself, my style, and my passions. 

This past year has been filled with milestones—

I uncovered my passion for English, changed my major, and fell in love with writing. 

I stopped covering my tattoos (got even more), put that nose piercing back in, had every hair color in the book (currently rocking blue), and I no longer own anything pink. 

I started going to the gym every day.

I became a vegan. 

I don’t commute to school anymore and live happily alone. 

I discovered I’m honest and blunt, but one of the most compassionate people you will ever come across. 

I surrounded myself with the most incredible friends a girl could ask for. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, and done just about everything else in between.

I stopped worrying about what people are going to think of me, and if they don’t like that…they can kiss my ass.

I became myself. 

Am I still learning who I am? Yes, of course, I will always learn new things about who I am. I am simply here to bring you along on my journey, to become more personal and vulnerable, and to happily say that I am myself again.

~I am back~

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