I’ve been away.

I’ve been away.

I haven’t written this year.

Why? Do I have nothing to say? 

The answer: I was afraid. I was afraid to say the wrong thing, to give the wrong impressions, and to become vulnerable. 

The truth is, when I started this blog I wanted to help people. I wanted to show them they are not alone and I wanted to create a blog as a “safe space” to express things I’ve experienced for individuals to relate to themselves. I quickly became scared of becoming “too personal”. I didn’t want to use the terms “I” or “me” when writing in fear of becoming exposed and weak. I lost interest in writing and went into a slump. 

This year has taught me something new.

This year has taught me that vulnerability is strength.

This year has been the year of transparency. 

I have chosen to write about myself in hopes of inspiring others through my personal journey rather than through universally shared experiences. 

This year I learned the value of myself. 

This year I learned to love myself.

This is my journey:

Two years ago, I was a completely different person from the person I am today. I would have done anything to fit in with the people I surrounded myself with. I even went as far as to change my hair color to bleach blonde, wear a lot of pink (I hate pink), take out my nose piercing, and hide my tattoos to put an end to the ridicule I was facing. Not only was I changing my outward appearance to satisfy those around me, but I was slowly and unknowingly changing inwardly as well. I became less myself day after day. I became timid, I stopped expressing things I believed in, and I eventually no longer even knew what I believed in. I had no idea who I was and in truth, I hated myself. 

One year ago, I cut everyone and everything out of my life. I commuted to school from my dad’s house three hours every day in hopes of keeping my mind occupied on anything other than myself. If I wasn’t driving to and from school, I was lying in bed. Spring Break of 2018 I didn’t leave my bed for 6 days and didn’t eat for 4. I was miserable. I lost my sense of humor, my motivation, my friends, and even my family. I still didn’t know who I was anymore and I was desperate to find who I am, I was desperate to love myself. 

This past year began as a blank canvas for me. I wanted to fall in love with myself, and I did. I set out on a journey of self discovery to find myself, my style, and my passions. 

This past year has been filled with milestones—

I uncovered my passion for English, changed my major, and fell in love with writing. 

I stopped covering my tattoos (got even more), put that nose piercing back in, had every hair color in the book (currently rocking blue), and I no longer own anything pink. 

I started going to the gym every day.

I became a vegan. 

I don’t commute to school anymore and live happily alone. 

I discovered I’m honest and blunt, but one of the most compassionate people you will ever come across. 

I surrounded myself with the most incredible friends a girl could ask for. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, and done just about everything else in between.

I stopped worrying about what people are going to think of me, and if they don’t like that…they can kiss my ass.

I became myself. 

Am I still learning who I am? Yes, of course, I will always learn new things about who I am. I am simply here to bring you along on my journey, to become more personal and vulnerable, and to happily say that I am myself again.

~I am back~

One thought on “I’ve been away.

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  1. Girl, you are awesome just the way you are! Life is short and you will never please everyone, so you make yourself happy, period.
    It has taken me many years to realize that all of that crap we worry about does not matter. I am so thankful for your sweet spirit and taking the time to find “you” and realizing how to love yourself!
    Keep working hard on your passion and never let anyone make you feel less than. Your mom would be so proud of you! Even though our families drifted, we made great memories early on. I will always adore you and wish you Only the best!
    Much love!
    Mrs Gayle

    Like

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